"Don't Be Ashamed of Your Age"

Disclaimer: This post is more of a public personal reflection of something that has been on my mind recently. But not to worry; a more complete misc"Elaine"ous experience is on its way to the internet soon. 

A couple of weeks ago I had the pleasure of experiencing my first Music Night hosted at the home where I'm staying. It is a modest weekly gathering of musically talented friends of Sylvia and Bernie's. The night kicked off with a new number introduced by Sylvia, the group's guitar player, called, "Don't be Ashamed of Your Age", originally written (I believe) by Willie Nelson. Bernie, the bassist, and John, the clarinetist, glanced over the sheet music and picked a comfortable key. They began to play together after a count of three, and Sylvia sang:

"Don't be ashamed of your age,
Don't let the years get you down...

That old gang you knew,

They still think of you,
As a rounder in your old home town.
Don't mind the grey in your hair
Just think of the fun you had puttin' it there..."

It was easy to separate myself from the group, this being the first time I had heard this toe-tappin' standard. I looked around at the others in the room with decades more of experience and wisdom than myself, and I made an 18-year-old note of how much I truly enjoy being with people who do not share my age.

I noticed this again last weekend, when I went on a walk with Sylvia and the dogs (that's Bo's dog, Midge, running above) along the shore below the bluff. Sylvia is 52 years old, and full of interesting experiences, with a knack for telling stories. We seem to never run out of things to talk about, from thoughts on evolutionary theories and literary preferences, to  familial tales and personal hardships. She noted aloud how I held myself in a more mature manner than most kids my age, something that I've been told my entire life. I shared with her my past difficulties in finding connections with people my age, starting very early in childhood. And to be honest, I cannot remember what she said after that, because at that point I had turned inward to look at this vocalized revelation. 

Why do I have trouble getting along with people my age? Attending or hosting social events with my peers has always had a tendency to make me nervous and awkward, but I usually look forward to speaking to an older family member at a holiday gathering or listening to a senile hardware store patron talk about the good ol' days. I started to fear maybe it was because I secretly consider myself better than everyone who is at my stage in life. But I figured that couldn't be the proper explanation for why my body seizes up as I think about clusters of young adults at young adult gatherings, drinking young adult beverages and saying cool young adult things that never seem to sound right coming out of my mouth...

The real reason is that I am ashamed of my age. I'm now working in the adult world, and am treated as an adult. However, when people discover that I'm only 18, something changes. There is an awkward facial expression that appears on the "real" adults, saying, "I'm acknowledging that you're the age of which you are not quite on your own yet, but you like to pretend to be. How cute." 

And I think, "This isn't fair! Give me a chance to show you how old I really am! You noticed before when you thought I was at least 25!" Always considering myself to be an "old soul", it is hard for me to ignore the fact that I enjoy reading, crafting, manners, limited usage of the word "like"(anyone...? Bueller...?), etc., and that these activities are not typical of most people my age. These are all practices that are normally socially associated with someone like Sylvia, who has years of experiences that put "grey in her hair" and a tone of wisdom in her voice. Why can't I just be accepted as that right away, a wiser, more insightful person despite my young outer shell?

It's because the truth is, as much as I don't want to face it, I am 18. I'm not wise beyond my years. I've never had to financially support myself, still have a tendency to think the world revolves around me (let's refer back to me daydreaming during Sylvia's advice on how to handle getting along with people my age, shall we?), and sometimes spend way too much time on narcissistic social media sites. But it's all part of my learning and growth, right? I'm trying to be mindful that there will be a time and a place for telling a young whipper-snapper the crazy story of a young teenage girl who decided to live in an unfamiliar state across the country to work on a farm for three months without looking back. But that time isn't now. At present, it is important that I acknowledge my immature tendencies as a young adult, be appreciative (not ashamed) of my age, and cherish this one-of-a-kind time and experience.  

Hello 18-year-old me. Thank you for taking the time to embrace the importance of where you are in this moment.